Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
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You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Please, my pastrami on rye. It’s very sick.
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.