Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
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your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
The dark side of Canada
Brilliant!
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
“Today is chest and leg day!”
-me, ordering at KFC
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
date: can you ask the waiter if he has chicken legs
me: *quietly* no, it’s probably just the way he walks
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”