Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
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Keep an eye on the horizon. (I‘m sending a homing pigeon with a fruit roll-up)
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
I’m ashamed to admit it but I would absolutely wear a cologne that smelled like an instruction manual from a just-opened Gameboy Color game
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
“Huge”.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Monday: *exist*
Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”