Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
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“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
Welcome to ghosts anonymous. Nice to see such a spirited turnout.
*all of the ghosts boo in unison*
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Me: You said you wouldn’t dream of disturbing me
my kid: Yeah, but this isn’t a dream
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
[1st date]
WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?
HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*
DRACULA: *just glares at her*
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.