I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “Your guess is as good as mine.”
You Might Also Like
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
My uncle was found dead in his office last night by cleaning staff. I’m glad because he wore Crocs to my wedding in 2006.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”