Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
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They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
I hate ramen noodles.
*Checks bank account balance*
I love ramen noodles!
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
“Matter cannot be created nor destroyed…”
Then explain to me why my kids can manage to turn a bathtub full of water into four bathtubs of water outside of said tub?
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
Having kids has taught me that their ears are for decorative purposes only.