Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
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How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
I like that all the Ikea instructions illustrations always assume I have a friend.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
[walks into interview wearing light up Sketchers]
WALMART INTERVIEWER: whoa I didn’t know corporate was coming
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.
Cheers Twitter.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.