Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
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just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Lube but for my dry humor.
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Read It and Weep: A Book on How to Cry
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles