We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
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People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.
courtroom exchange of the day
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
When you don’t understand how floors work
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves