‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
You Might Also Like
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
smartest karate player in the world
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Challenge accepted.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
White Castle for the Win
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
me: damn, can’t use the gps, my phone is dead
friend: it’s cool, we have a map
me: nice, we can find a place to charge my phone
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie