I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
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Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
I just passed the cutest kitten.
It was much easier than swallowing it.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling?
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.