Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
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The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
Let’s join our hands together and pray for my husband who very tragically compared me to my mother.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
Best seat on the street 😍
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.