I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.
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My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
I like that they just call it brown sauce. I mean, can you be a little more vague, please. What the hell’s actually in that stuff?!
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: solving equations
professor 3: wow
People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny