People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
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My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
My love language is hissing.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Practice self-care like bats, avoid daylight & hug yourself adoringly while you sleep.
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
I’m cleaning out the attic if anyone needs a mint condition box and user manual for a cordless phone I donated to Goodwill 13 years ago.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀
This wine tastes like everyone can go make their own dinner.
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.