Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
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[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
Woke up against my better judgement again
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
Me talking to my family members: Damn that sucks
Me talking to my friends: Bro I will move mountains to see you smile. If you need anything I will quit my job and book a flight to come bake you fresh bread.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Me: Can you recommend books to me?
Librarian: Sure, they’re great
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
them: PTSD
my brain: Pacific Time Standard Disorder
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.