Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
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Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
My 10-year-old is cleaning the kitchen. One roll of paper towels later I have the world’s cleanest kitchen stool.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
I update my Facebook picture to a jail mugshot over the holidays so my family will go visit someone else.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
Guy: you’ve been a bad girl.
Girl: yes baby, punish me.
Guy: OK. *burns all her shoes*.
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?