First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
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STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
For today’s Florida story, I bring you Michael Marolla, who was just arrested in Collier County with a live alligator in the bed of his pickup, two firearms, and multiple syringes loaded with meth.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
WIFE: can you fold the clothes in the dryer?
ME: *climbing in* I can try
My safe word is “insufficient funds”.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
good for her
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
They got Raph!
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.