Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
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Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
I’m no candle in the wind. I’m a flamethrower at a baby shower.
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.
The real reason evolution started..😂
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
LA today:
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
“MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it