You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
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A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
🤣🤣🤣
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Jehovahs Witnesses: do you have time to talk about our lord and savior?
Me: of course! please come in!
[door slams shut and locks]
[lights dim]
[my PowerPoint presentation begins]Me: but first I wanna tell you about a timeshare opportunity!!!
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
Favourite diary entry ever
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.