FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
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7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
I thought about buying my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
I thought “ghosting” was when you slowly tricked someone you didn’t like into thinking their apartment was haunted until they moved far away
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Her: You’re always teaching the kids how to use things improperly!
Me [flattens out a piece of lettuce, takes my writing ham out of the tackle box]: Go on…
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Traveler’s camo
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons