[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
You Might Also Like
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Just me and my debit card against the world
When I was a kid, I got mad at my brother and told him people whose names start with J don’t go to heaven, and my mom just looked at me and said, “Jesus”.
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
The Compass
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
A fake ID that makes you younger
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.