Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
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I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Big Sex has us all fooled
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
I love how you guys shit on Lohan, Hilton and Kardashian. If one of those bitches said a word to you fools, your balls would explode.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.