Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
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“Let’s play 21 questions”
Nigerian Girl: how tall are you?
Nigerian Guy: Rice. What’s the worst thing you’ve done with a guy?
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
If I ignore life will it go away?
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
It’s a 50% chance the dental floss on the floor is mine, but until I wrestle it back into the trash, I’m treating it like a cobra at large.
I’m working out again in hopes that I can wear my superhero shirt in public without someone saying, “Batman really let himself go”.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!