My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
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this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
*breaking up with BF
I’ll never forget you David.
‘My name is Jason’
Goodbye John.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….