I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
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[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
You can’t hurt me. You’re not my mouth full of ice water after chewing mint gum
Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
My hips? Compulsive liars.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind