[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
You Might Also Like
There’s a Canadian on vacation somewhere in Florida right now telling everyone they meet Y’ALL DONT KNOW WHAT COLD IS
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
me *limping*
wife: What happened to you?
me: I took a nap
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.