I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
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I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
Grow up never but we old may grow we
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser