Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
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Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
How many virgins do I get from dying of embarrassment? Does anyone know?
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Wanted: One (1) flat earther to be my friend so I can talk to you when I’m down and you can tell me my belly is actually flat.
No weirdos.
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
The old gods are rising again.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.