Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
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Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
This is Sparta
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
Before & after 😅
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”