*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
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Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
your dad isn’t a dad yet until he stands in your living room for 15 minutes straight (instead of leaving) saying “this movie is so stupid” while you’re watching Mamma Mia
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
“Dress for the job you want!”
*dresses up as celebrity-slapper*
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
My tongue was actually in the Guinness Book of World Records until the damn librarian kicked me out.
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.