Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
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So those numbers on sports jerseys are how many people each player has killed or what.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok