[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
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[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
and now we wait
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING