My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
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Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
a god among men
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
The Scarecrow didn’t have the brains, Tin Man didn’t have the heart, and the Lion didn’t have the courage. So Dorothy remained a virgin.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Don’t forget to tip your server
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
Her: So, are you seeing anyone?
Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?
Can someone call my keys? I forgot where I put them
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.