Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
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The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Siri, make me pancakes.
You have a Blackberry, Linda. Go home, Linda, you’re drunk.
[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.