“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
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The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Dear parents,
Just because your kid is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean that they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. But it could mean that they just downloaded a demon from an occult website. Talk to your kids about the dangers of summoning demons through their phones.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
[getting arrested after heist]
Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout
Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
When I was really young my dad told me if you hit a traffic cone with your car you have to go back home and start your journey again… and i’m not telling how old I was when I learnt this was a lie
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
My husband said when I wear my hair on top of my head, I look like a pineapple or a genie. I told him to pick one fast so I can decide where he sleeps tonight.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now