As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
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[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
“someday this will all be yours” I say to my dogs, waving my arms wildly across a half empty plate of mexican food
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background