judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
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Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
[typing in parental control pin]
5: why do you go so fast? I’m trying to see it. I know it ends with 3, 4 but nothing I’ve tried works
I’m not saying I’m not physically fit, I’m just saying I went to yoga once and they had to call the paramedics.
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
Millennial: Pics or it didn’t happen
Great Grandfather: World War II is well documented Ryan
Hello Dragons I have a new invention called a “Tarp”
Dragons: what does it do?
Well you use it to keep something dry for like a couple hours then you fold it up for 2 and a half years.
Dragons: is there a spider in it when you use it next?
There are hundreds.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
[Judge] everyone is here, the new court reporter is ready, we may begin
[Me, nervously] wait did he say REPORTER? i thought it was–
[Lawyer] ladies and gentlemen of the jury…
[Me, sweating] *starts playing hot cross buns*
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.