Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
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Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Also, kids? Don’t DM us pretending you are some school official cancelling school. Closings don’t work like that. & we’re not that dumb.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
[divorce court]
her: he was unfaithful
him: thats a lie!
judge: do you have proof?
her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me
him: judge, thats not being unfa-
judge: shut your cheating mouth!
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
my professor scared me for a second
[job interview]
“What would you say is your greatest strength?I’m pretty humble. Actually, I’m incredibly humble. Amaaaaazingly humble.
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!