I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
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[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
My boyfriend woke up this morning with a huge smile on his face. I love sharpies
[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Just how popey was the pope today?
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice