This is my cat’s medicine.
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I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
stand with me against insufficient seating
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
*click*
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
i prefer mine room temperature.
The main difference between barbers and land mine sweepers is that if the barber takes a off a foot or two, he’s having a GOOD day.
☺️
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
One of the dumbest things I ever heard was a friend of mine asking for advice about his wife being pissed at him for a week straight. She’d been trying to spice up their love life and asked him what he liked that she didn’t know about and he said Asian girls lmfao
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Man: I’d like an order of buffalo wings
Bartender: sorry, we don’t serve food here
*a sandwich that just walked in flips a table and leaves*