China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
You Might Also Like
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 🙁
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
I unironically love this joke.
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
Where’s my employee discount too?
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
Friday night plans
*break into plastic surgeon’s office
*put goldfish in the silicone implants
*sneak away undetected
*giggle like a maniac
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough