You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
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Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Why does that little guy keep jumping from one side of the subway to the other?
Dude, he’s a Metro Gnome
If you pull out a knife and start sharpening it, people soon stop telling you about their plans for Valentine’s Day.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Seriously how ugly was Little Red Riding Hood’s grandma?
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
I’m still disappointed that Penguin and Random House merged to become Penguin Random House and not the more hilarious Random Penguin House.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on