[mall food court]
Me: *stomach rumbling* OMG not now
Brain: Too bad you hate using public washrooms
My White Undies: Sweet baby jesus no
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I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Someone hire this dog for the next Oceans movie
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
October already? What’s next? November????
My whole life was a lie.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.They put me in the ICU.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*