me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
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“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
I buy blocks of cheese.
For the grater good.
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
Meeeee too!
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.