I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
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Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
Welcome to the stomach
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”