10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
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And God said to John, come forth and ye shall be granted eternal life…..
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…