We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
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Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Now marriage can be between any two people who are misguided enough to start a life together in New Jersey.
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
Nurse: Doctor this man needs an IV!
Roman Empire doctor: OF WHAT? HE NEEDS 4 OF WHAT?!
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m extremely talented with my lips and tongue.
*Whistles The Andy Griffith Show theme song flawlessly*
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job