*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
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“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Interviewer: Can you explain the gap in your CV?
Me: I spent 6 hours formatting it in Google Docs and you’ve opened it in Word.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
Never date an intelligent, incredibly handsome, wealthy man. He’s a violent psychopath that wants to kill you
*things i learned from horrors
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people
me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”