if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
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[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
Me: I’m so happy we are the first married astronauts to land on the moon
[later]
Wife: pass me the rock sample bags
Me: I thought you brought them
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Today’s Times
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
Look dude, I’m going to need to see alot more chest hair and jewelry if you want into my Disco party
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Keep finding mysterious rocks in the pockets of my 6 y/o’s sweatshirt after school.
Can’t tell whether she’s starting a collection or planning a 1st Grade Shawshank Redemption.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?