bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
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[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
I used to race motorcycles. Man, those things are a lot faster than me.
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.